The Hellacopters last album

I still can't understand why these guys aren't major league stars, The Hellacopters rock - they really rock - but for now they're calling it quite and going on to other things. I've never seen them live so now I never will but there are many great songs on my iPod that wouldn't exist if it were not for them.

I discovered The Hellacopters by accident. Actually, it was terrorist action. I'd ordered The Flaming Sideburns first album from Amazon but amid all the confusion in London during the tube bombings was sent a compilation from the same record company with a serial number just one digit different. I rang them up and the guy said, "We'll send you the proper album gratis. We've just had some very strange days up here."

So thanks to Al-Queada, I got Pushing Scandinavian Rock to the Man. That must mean me, then. The Flaming Sideburns had one song but The Hellacopters had two. At first I thought they were awful but it wasn't long before I came to appreciate their sheer balls in doing a cover version of Iggy Pop's "I got a right". I was hooked.

At the Imp Club National in Dorset that summer, as so often happens at my car and bike dos, we were sat around the campfires after the party late at night discussing music and I mentioned The Hellacopters. This prompted instant enthusiasm and agreement from my fellow Impers. One in particular, Steve Potz-Rayner, lent me a compilation CD and his Walkman to try out The Hellacopters who, he said, "sound like the Rolling Stones on acid."

I think I've got all their albums now. They were a hard touring band who allegedly hated rehearsing so instead they made up new songs. They liked American muscle cars, too.

So farewell Hellacopters. Thanks for all the songs. May your reputation grow exponentially as a result of this blog entry.

Vintage Thing 8.1 - more A series Vincent-HRDs

It's probably nothing to do with this blog but Brian Verrall's A series Vinnie sold at Bonham's auction for £214,800. The estimate had been £125,000 to £150,000. I am ambivalent about this. I'm glad that such machinery is appreciated and this is a record for a British bike sold at auction. I'm sad that the original "snarling beast" is beyond the reach of most mortals. What a bike, though!

This is the model that established the Vincent-HRD and Vincent reputations and a fine example such as this is undoubtedly of historical importance. It's a work of art and is priced as such. I'm just not sure how much use any machine will get if it's worth the price of a house.

Around 50 are thought to still exist out of the 78 built, which is a pretty good survival rate but I think both these numbers are too low. They should have built more and how could anyone break one up? The Vincent Owner's Club has put together a register of the survivors and a few engines have been swapped between bikes. I rather like that sort of thing. It adds to the interest, especially if the engine had an illustrious history in another set of cycle parts.

One A series Vincent-HRD engine, said to be the first one ever, was plumbed into a Morgan 3 wheeler. After a serious of blow ups and engine swaps this Moggie is still A series powered and resides in Kent. Another A series Vinnie was used for sprinting and lurks around Brighton. I wonder how that long suffering Burman gearbox held out?

I've heard that there are plans to make replicas of the A-series Vincent-HRD engine and with today's metallurgical advances and bearing technology replica Burman gearboxes that could withstand the engine's power and torque would be possible.

Me - I'd like one with a Norman Hossack front end. These look like girder forks but are actually a wishbone design with an upright extended downwards. The result would be a vintage looking bike with good handling, although - having never ridden a girder-forked bike - I don't know what it's like to ride a vintage machine. People who have, say they go round corners well enough but they also think rigid tails handle well and, again without any personal experience, I beg to differ. A Vincent-HRD, of course, has a spring frame and a very elegant arrangement it is, too, because it's more of a sprung engine than a sprung frame. So my ideal Vincent-HRD A series would be quite heretical but serious fun with reproduction engine, beefed up box, twin front discs and what motorcycle suspension pioneer Tony Foale would call a "funny front end." It would be a bit like one of those old-fashioned but brand new retro Harleys and Triumphs where you get the looks of an old bike but it's still under guarantee.

I seem to have put together a business plan for resurrecting the Vincent-HRD A series.

The bike that I featured as VT8 has been identified by my new friends on the Vincent discussion group as "Old Harry". Apparently, it was owned for many years by a gentleman named Harry Cox and now his old bike lives on in the west country with his name. Wonderful. You don't get that sort of thing with a replica.

A band to watch - The Eyelids

I was very impressed by Stiff Little Finger's support act in Falmouth. Dave said he'd seen them before last year when they supported The Damned in Falmouth. Dave's like that. He's so committed he arranges his holidays to coincide with his fave bands touring. Anyway, The Eyelids are a female four-piece outfit who play paired down spooky psychobilly punk. I think this stuff sounds easy to do but have a strong suspicion it isn't. I'd heard of The Eyelids before because I'd stumbled across their MySpace page and they're already World famous in Cornwall but wasn't sure if they played my sort of stuff.

I am now. They definitely do. I reckon the double bass gives them a USP - a unique sound proposition. It's certainly very distinctive and I reckon the four of them have really got something. Kelly's got a great voice, Michelle has to be one of the smiliest drummer's you'll ever see while she blats out complicated rhythms, Josie's guitar is suitably spooky and Louise's bass is sublime - altogether malicious.The drums and bass sweep you along like you're Piglet and The Eyelids are Tigger. They've been favourably compared to The Cramps and sound like Catholic High School girls going bad in the graveyard. But in a good way, y'know?.

The Eyelids are gigging extensively throughout the peninsula and the sub-continent this autumn and doing some recording.

Don't give them too clean a sound, though, Mr Sound Engineer. You need that live feeling to get The Eyelid's scary psychojilly sound right. just let me know when you've got some MP3s to buy.

Stiff Little Fingers rock Falmouth

Stiff Little Fingers played in Falmouth last Saturday (15th August) and of course we went to see them. As hardcore fan Mr Larcombe says, "It's worth going up to Bristol to see 'em because they're consistently so good." He's right, too, so I met up with the usual suspects of Gary and Dave outside the Princess Pavilion in Falmouth at 2000 hrs. Julie, who has at times expressed a fondness for Cliff Richard, came along, too. Gary has persuaded her that The Stranglers are a great live act and after hearing so much about SLF she had to see what all the fuss was about.

As Jake said to us that night, Falmouth is a long way west but I hope the reception they got will see Stiff Little Fingers down this way again soon. Dave was on holiday from Gloucester and looked fit and tanned despite camping in Cornwall for a fortnight. Mr Larcombe and Julie were staying in a guest house across the road and took three minutes to walk to the venue. I had travelled the furthest from Liskeard but was staying with my family in Goonhavern that weekend. It was so much easier than driving up to Bath or Bristol and back the same evening.

The tour shirts looked good, though - USA, New Zealand, Australia, Belfast, Falmouth.

I have many happy associations with Falmouth. I was a student at the art college from '81 to '82. Also, some of my forebears had houses, photographic shops and art studios down there. One would burn his photographic shops down for the insurance but his son founded the volunteer fire brigade so we're about even. And Stiff Little Fingers are still burning.

Julie was quite impressed. I don't think the crowd knew when to shout "Do-do-do!" or "Go for it!" as well as we seasoned Fingers fans did but they were definitely enjoying themselves. But they didn't play for long enough! All too soon it was time for the final "Alternative Ulster." I wish they'd found time for "Listen", another of my favourites.

Afterwards, as I walked back to my car (I'd parked opposite the art college) I fell into conversation with some other concert goers. They saw my old leather jacket and grinned, shouting "Fingers?" to which I replied in the affirmative.

"When they came on," one said, "I thought, oh no, they're past it but then they started to play and I was blown away." (For those of you who don't already know, Fingers come on after the rousing intro of "Go for it" and then blast you with four high octane songs). "Man, they were unbelievable! I love Old Skool stuff!" We shook hands and parted complete strangers but the best of mates, united by a common experience and an appreciation of the power of Guitar and Drum.

Nothing but hot air - Stirling engines

I found this chap and his demonstration models of Stirling engines in the model tent at the Boconnoc Steam Fair. I'm afraid I forgot to ask him his name but I had a long chat with him about the Stirling engine and the principles involved. I'd heard of Stirling engines many years ago but had discounted from my sphere of interest because they didn't have any automotive application. Stirling engines operate simply on temperature differentials. Low friction materials have given a new lease of life to this very old concept, named after Rev Dr Robert Stirling who patented the idea in 1816.

Boyle's Law states that as the temperature of a gas in a sealed container increases so does its pressure and the Stirling engine exploits this principle by have a heat source and a heat sink, such as air fins. When gas is allowed in contact with the cold and heat alternately, it can move a piston, displacer or diaphragm, which in turn can drive a crankshaft.

Stirling engines operate on a closed cycle, so contain a fixed mass of gas called the "working fluid", most commonly air, hydrogen or helium. No valves are required, unlike other types of piston engines, and instead of the ignition, compression, expansion and exhaust cycle of the internal combustion engine, Stirling engines operate through cooling, compression, heating and expansion. There are no external emissions and the thermal efficiency increases with the temperature difference between the hot and cold sources.

Very low-power engines have been built which will run on a temperature difference of as little as 7 °C, or between room temperature and melting water ice. This guy had his model engines running on little hot plates powered by small bulbs. He also showed me how one can run from the heat of your palm. The heat sink in this case was the atmosphere.

After years in the doldrums, Sterling engines are now being examined by Powerdrive (of Subaru works rally car fame) for domestic CHPs or Combined Heat and Power units. By using domestic temperature differentials, such as waste hot water or cold air outside, Stirling engines could provide power for households and even enable them to generate electricity for sale back to the grid when it's not required by the householder.

NASA have been developing Stirling engines for use in space missions and the Swedish Navy have used them to power their Gotland and Sodermanland class submarines, although I suspect their quite running has more to do with this than environmental reasons.

So could you use a Stirling engine in a car? Probably not.

Stirling engines take a while to get going and, once running, operate best at a constant speed. It's a fairly low speed at that. To overcome this, a fancy transmission would be necessary and this complication outweighs the Sterling engine's virtue of simplicity. Heat exchanger design can also get a little involved and the power to weight ratio is poor. But what an elegant concept!

NASA converted a 1986 Chevy Celebrity to Stirling power and Ford built a prototype that used electricity to overcome the start up time, which NASA got down to 30 seconds. Norwegian company Think Nordic are experimenting with Stirling engines as a hybrid power source to supplement their range of wholly electric vehicles. That seems to be the most likely avenue of automotive development to me.

On the whole, though, Stirling engines must have a bright future. I just can't see them running around on wheels much.

Wouldn't mind on in a shed next to my house, though, especially if I can sell the excess electricity to the grid.

Vintage Thing No.25 - Norton-JAP V-twin

Just look at this beauty! As a Vintage Thing it's practically over-qualified. This gorgeous 1000cc JAP v-twin powered, wideline Norton Featherbed won best competition bike at this year's Calstock Bike Show and when they fired it up in the tent there were huge grins all round. It sounded like a racing Morgan trike, which isn't surprising since they use the same engine - really crisp and nothing like the "potato, potato, potato" of a Harley V-twin.

These engines also went into Brough Superiors and many Shelsley specials. John Bolster used two of them chained together in Bloody Mary and went on to use no less than four of them in the ultimate Bolster hillclimber. However, the resulting 4-litre eight cylinder monster proved too difficult to start. Without electric starters, bumping it was the only way to do it and if one engine didn't catch it just right, the shocks to the chain transmission system would snap the links easily.

As for the frame, the Norton Featherbed frame is the most famous bracket for engine and two wheels of them all. It was never officially called that. The nickname came about because it was such a revelation to ride after the rigid tail post-war Nortons and it became the frame of choice for anyone who wanted to get the best performance out of their engine. Don't tune your Triumph - put the engine into a Norton frame. Since Manx Norton singles were the engine of choice in Formula 500cc car racing after the war and - for some never explained reason - Norton wouldn't let you have an engine unless you bought a complete bike, Norton rolling chassis were happily not difficult to come by.

The overall look of this bike is just right and I love the twin magnetos on the crankcase. These allow each cylinder to be individually timed. Why would you want to do that? Well, these engines are hand made Vintage Things and by individually timing each cylinder you can allow for any production tolerances. And you can retard or advance the ignition to allow for the front and rear cylinders running at different temperatures. It's not such an issue with more modern machinery. With this sort of engine, you are in much closer touch with the designers and builders.

Look at the way the front exhaust pipe goes through the engine plates. Conventional wisdom has it that the rear cylinder runs hotter than the front one due to its masking effect. But sometimes the front one runs hotter because it, too, can be masked by the front wheel. Funny old things, these Vintage Things.

Unfortunately, I didn't get to speak to the owner/constructor but Pete Low did. He said that the conrods were out of Noel Pope's record breaking machine and the gearbox had to be subtley angled to get the correct chain alignment. It's one of those machines where the more you look, the more you see.

Although I prefer disc brakes that big drum brake is entirely in keeping with the period look of the machine. This bike reminds me of a Triton on steroids. Tritons are among my favourite two wheeled specials. They just look so right to me and this bike also does it for me. It could have been ridden to the show by Ogri.

Starting it proved a little awkward but entirely worthwhile. Even if you have the weight, you need to apply it to the kickstart in exactly the right place. Pete said he'd've volunteered to have a go as the bike wore out various members of the public, "but I don't think my knees would stand it." Mindful of the stories of Bolster's JAP V-twins, we just hoped the ignition was timed correctly since a kick back from a machine this size would have put you through the roof of the tent and possibly on the other side of the River Tamar. Happily, all was well, and the bike eventually burst into joyous, riotous life.

As Pete said, "Wouldn't Hob be tempted off his Egli-Vincent by this machine?"

Of course, he would. In fact, I fear the owner may have already sold his soul to the Horsepower Whisperer to get this bike together.

Calstock Bike Show 08

At the Calstock Bike Show it was so wet underfoot even the pedestrians were aqua-planing. Never mind the bikes doing it - if you proceeded at anything above walking pace and braked injudiciously then you lost all steering and down you went in a great plume of water. And it proved incredibly difficult for the girls and boys of Calstock to stop aqua-planing once they'd got a taste for it.

Was this show one of the summer's best kept secrets? Pete Low - he of Ginetta G21S and Armstrong MT500 fame already on this blog - told me about this show last year and now that he's moved up to Essex he was determined to come back for this year's event. Last year he got roped in to do the judging. He knew the organiser Malcolm Wright through the Armstrong Rider's forum and positively raved about what a good event this was. As I hadn't seen him since he'd moved up country and decided to go along and see for myself.

Calstock is on the River Tamar just below Gunnislake. It's an ancient port with the Cotehele estate to the west and Morwellham Quay just round the nest bend of the river. There's no road bridge but a spectacular railway viaduct over the Tamar, which comes in useful for projections of laser shows. The Bike Show is combined with Calstock Regatta and to be honest I was a bit dubious about that. I am not aquatic and thought maybe this event was not for me. In the end, I discovered I was wrong on both counts.

I would say that the weather was the worst we've had all summer. Staying dry was not an option and today I have a heavy head cold. I'm still really glad that I went, though.

The entertainment didn't stop at admiring the automotive art, either. A medieval battle re-enactment society put away its armour since it was staring to rust and gave us a demonstration of cannon and mortar fire power across the Tamar. This was upstream from the regatta, which, to be honest, I didn't really notice. Although, it wasn't a large show, there seemed to be so much to see and do. There were tented shops, bars and a band pavilion for the kind of rocky, punky music this kind of event requires.In the evening there were fireworks and a laser show that caught every drop of rain and mad it glitter. And more bands. And more rain.

Despite the atrocious weather, everyone seemed really cheerful. Or perhaps it was because of it. We were all there because we had common interests and were determined to make the most of it. We complained a little about the rain but later began to laugh in disbelief as it came down in silver-plated pushrods. And not pushrods lightened for competition purposes, either.

The ground was already waterlogged so some tents ended up in puddles but in a humanitarian gesture the people of Calstock threw open the doors to the Village Hall for those who'd been flooded.

Pete kept bumping into people he knew like Phil from the Plymouth section of the BSA Owner's Club. We spent a very pleasant afternoon staying as dry as we could and admiring the rolling sculpture that stretched out in every direction. Here's Phil in the evening about to set off home to Millbrook on his Super Rocket, making the most of a less-moist spell. Pete was judging again this year and had been on the campsite since Thursday night, wheighing up the entries and - it seems - telling anyone who would listen what a great read The Horsepower Whisperer is! Thanks mate.

Next year, I'll take my bike - weather permitting.

Vintage Thing No.24 - The Murdoch Flyer

Calling all steam punks! Here is the Murdoch Flyer, a replica of a road locomotive that might pre-date Cap'n Richard Trevithick's engine of 1801. It's been built by a group called the Murdoch boys based in Redruth. Construction was financed by voluntary contributions and grants including sales of a song called "The Ballad of William Murdoch" by Ed Hamilton.

As interest in steam punk increases on the back of stories such as Phillip Pullman's Dark Materials trilogy, models of steam engines inspired by such speculative fiction are being made all over the world. But here we have the grandaddy of them. Or at the very least, one of the granddaddies.

Cornwall can justifiably claim to be the birth place of steam traction. In 2001, we celebrated 200 years of Cornish motoring but the Murdoch Boys who have built this replica of the Flyer point to a tantalising account that Murdoch rode around the Cornish tin mines in a full sized development of the models he'd been making since 1784.

There's a certain amount of conjecture in this replica but it's based on the surviving model he made that nowadays is on display in Birmingham's science museum. It's a Boulton and Watt beam engine on wheels. A single cylinder sits inside a boiler and drives a beam up and down. A vertical shaft transits power to a crankshaft in front of the boiler behind the driver's seat. Gears then power the rear wheels. The top speed is about twelve miles an hour but I gather that it shakes itself to pieces at this speed and not because it lacks any springs.

Murdoch seems like a man obsessed with the idea of steam traction. Employed by the pioneering steam engineers Boulton and Watt to service their engines employed in the Cornish mines, Murdoch worked on his ideas in his spare time. His bosses did not encourage these activities, preferring him to do just what he had been sent to Cornwall to do, which was to erect engines and investigate infringements of patents. Murdoch invented coal gas lighting to enable himself to work on his models at night. And the single uncorroborated account of this engine describes how it was built at the Tuckingmill Brass Foundry and how it was illuminated by gas lamps.

Trevithick's triumphant ascent of Camborne Hill on Christmas Eve 1801 is well-documented. Surely if Murdoch created something as extraordinary more than a decade earlier wouldn't there be verifiable records of it? The Watt archive contains no letters from Murdoch to Watt from 1780 to 1797 and some have suggested that James Watt Junior upheld his father's reputation by editing out evidence that some Boulton and Watt innovations did not come from his father. What is certain is that other Boulton and Watt employees legally passed what we would call their intellectual property rights to their masters. And Watt wrote to Boulton in 1784 saying that he had taken out a patent on self-propelled vehicles "to keep other people from making similar patents," ostensibly for their own good because he feared the results of a high pressure steam explosion. So maybe Murdoch didn't want to publicise his engine too much for fear of incurring the wrath of his employers.

On the other hand, the roads of the day were dreadful. The story that Murdoch drove any sort of distance on his machine is claimed by some to be apocryphal and undermines the case for the full size version ever existing. Trevithick's third trip with his locomotive ended when its wheels became trapped in a gulley and it overturned. In modern parlance, the infrastructure didn't exist.

Many people have pointed to the steam carriage of Nicholas-Joseph Cugnot as the first steam powered vehicle. Dating from 1771, this was a military exercise to produce an artillery tractor and Cugnot's engine was not successful, proving unwieldy and only capable of steaming in short bursts. It also suffered the first automobile accident when it ran out of control and knocked down a wall, fortunately without loss of life but as its speed was reputedly 1 km/h everyone would have had time to get out of its way.

Peter Tuthill claims Cugnot's engine was an irrelevance since it was a military vehicle and a conspicuous failure. It was either the Scotsman in Redruth or the Cornishman in Camborne who started us on our motoring adventure with a proper motor car.

I'm struck by the fact that out of these pioneering designs, two are three wheelers. And one of those - Cugnot's - was front wheel drive. How very French.

And if Cugnot's motor vehicle was a failure, how come it still exists in the Musees des Arts et Metiers in Paris?

So who was the first? Could it be the Belgian in China, Ferdinand Verbiest, a Jesuit missionary? He designed a steam car for the teenage Chinese emperor Kangxi in around 1672. Nobody can say whether this was built or not but surely they would have made a model first to try out the principle.

If we include models, then a small steam car built by a unnamed mechanic (or tuftler) near Karlsruhe around 1775, also deserves mention. This model no longer exists, however, having been destroyed in an Allied bombing raid during World War 2.

My money remains on Trevithick. But I love that story - again unconfirmed - that Murdoch's Flyer outpaced him one day and got away from him. As he pursued the runaway, Murdoch encountered a distressed clergyman who'd narrowly avoided being run down by the Flyer and was convinced that he'd just been chased by the devil himself.

Cognot's beast of burden would never have chased anyone but that little story about Murdoch's Flyer is where I got the idea for the Reverend Tregaskis.

Beautiful Boconnoc

The good weather that we had for the Boconnoc Steam Fair in July is now nothing but a distant memory. Everyone I spoke to said what a great event it was. In previous years, some have said that the atmosphere was a bit "clicky" and that previously the organisers were only interested in the steam engines but this year there was a good overall balance and no complaints about unfriendliness. There was a fine range of exhibits, too, although decent autojumbles seem to be things of the past.

Everybody seemed to be there. If you hadn't caught up with old friends for a while, here they were, polishing their cars or riding on their tractors.

The surroundings in the great park are magnificent with the big trees and rolling landscape down to the house and the lake.

Some of my neighbours from up the line called Boconnoc Bock O'Nock when they moved down here and those of us who should know better have started saying it, too. It should be said like B'con'c with the accent on the second syllable.

There even two examples of Hillman Imp at the show. I'm Cornish Centre Area Organiser for the Imp Club, but I've found that not many club members like to get involved with the club locally. It was nice therefore to see this very nice Husky as well as the Sunbeam Stilleto of local stalwarts John and Sarah Doughty. It belongs to Kevin Richards (I think that was his name) of Saltash and is a car that belonged to a very active lady club member for a while. It's in very good condition despite one or two paint bubbles and is a rare variant of the Imp. I was very pleased to see it again in such sympathetic hands.

The only problem with Boconnoc now seems to be its popularity. It took me half an hour to get into the car park. Leaving the site was more difficult since an ambulance had been called for someone. Cars waiting in the queues suffered fuel vaporisation in the heat as their engines idled. Some had to park up and wait to cool down. People complained at the time but if they knew what weather was around the corner they wouldn't have said a word and just enjoyed the rays.

Vintage Thing No.23 - Austin Allegro

The Austin Allegro has been voted the Worst Car Ever and I feel compelled to leap to defend this much misunderstood little car. Allegros are far too mainstream to normally feature as a Vintage Thing but if those of us who make the rules can't break 'em, who can? Aye, and there's the rub.

Everybody's heard about Allegros, especially after this dubious accolade. They are famous for all the wrong reasons. But at least they are famous. Who ever remembers the Chrysler (later Talbot) Sunbeam? Or the Datsun Cherry? What about all those grey porridge Japanese cars like Datsun Cherrys and Mazda 626s that sank the likes of British Leyland? Okay, so they may have had some help from cars like the Marina, the Maxi and - yes - the Allegro but hundreds of thousands of these ostensibly better cars were built and where are they now?

They've been largely forgotten, unlike the much maligned Allegro, an example of which I use to get to the station.

I never set out to acquire an Allegro. To cut a very involved story short, I had a Scottish girlfriend who bought an Allegro for transport when she moved down. When she moved back to Scotland there was a hefty phone bill because she was a very sociable person and kept in touch with all her distant friends. I paid the bill and she let me have the car.

I've kept it because it's useful and it smells nice. As Allegros go, it's quite a good one and still has a smart interior that reeks of whatever glue they used in these old cars. It's not fast although it feels quick after I've driven my diesel van and it's not a sportscar. It's comfortable and gets me from A to B, typically from my house to the station in Liskeard. For pootling around the Cornish lanes, it's ideal.

I've had it for nearly ten years and of course it has let me down in that time but it's very simple to fix. Parts for the drivetrain are the same as Minis and Metros and they are considered that bad, are they? Nowadays, my Allegro's got electronic ignition from a Metro. I've acquired a Hydragas fluid pump and replaced the pipes and hoses that feature in the suspension system. that was a big job, mark you, but I am now equal to anything the Hydragas system can throw at me - provide the front units don't fail. Replacements for these are now unobtainable unless they are good secondhand units, which of course is a contradiction in terms for these parts.

I've done a certain amount of welding on it and resprayed it once with some touching in here and there since. The engine smokes quite a bit from cold but doesn't use much oil really and still gets through its emmissions.

One of my mates wrote to BL on behalf of his parents once when they owned one from new to complain about the oil consumption they suffered. The reply was anything better than 300 miles to a pint and they should count themselves lucky.

I don't believe the Allegro's reputation is justified. I don't believe this popularist survey is an example of democracy at work. I reckon it was a lot of people who don't know much about cars trying to show how much they know about cars when really they're showing how little they now about them.

I bought a spare tyre for it the other day. The owner of the tyre fitting bay said, "That's an Allegro wheel! A very comfortable car!"

I knew someone who had a Ford Capri but regretted getting rid of his Allegro 1300 Super (just like mine!) because it was faster, more economical and handled better.

People who really know about cars or have personal experience of Allegros know that they are not all bad.

The Allegro will never be a good car but it is already a great car - great as in the car with the greatest, baddest and worst reputation of all time. Mine is getting rusty from sitting outside at the station during the day in all weathers whereas nowadays it should be cosseted more, as befits a 29 year old Vintage Thing. Conversely, the windscreen rubbers are perishing from exposure to sunlight and the tops of the brown velour seats are fading, especially the rear ones. Something more modern may be called for, something with - let's face it - better build quality and more rustproofing.

I heard about the Allegro attaining recognition as the Worst Car Ever at a party on Saturday night. I'd used mine to get me there, y'see. But as the stories of Allegro aggravated mechanical disasters began, they soon outnumbered by accounts of how easy they were to fix.

A mate of a mate said his Allegro seized up on the way from Callington once. "It just went bleargh...," he said with memorable hand gestures, imitating the pilot of an aeroplane nose diving into the ground. "But we waited for a while and after it had cooled down we just carried on." Try doing that to a VW Lupo.

The Allegro attracts all sorts of abuse, often because of its terrible reputation, but it comes back for more if you let it. It may not be as reliable as more modern cars but it can be fixed. More modern cars don't go wrong so often but when they do it's often "Goodnight Vienna." The parts aren't available or are prohibitively expensive.

My Allegro is a sustainable motorcar. It has kept going longer than many more expensive, less memorable rivals. But it is showing its age. I ought to give it an easier life once I've sorted out its rust because I don't want it coming through again. The only problem is, what could do my Allegro's current job as easily? Nothing has sprung to mind. The nearest alternative seems to be a good condition Nissan Micra, another little blob made in England. I know they're reliable but how easy would one of those be to fix?

If it doesn't go wrong that won't be an issue. Driving a Micra wouldn't be quite the same adventure. The romance of travel would be lost.

But would it get the smiles and waves as I drive by?

Vintage Thing No.22 - Siva Llama

Unlike previous Vintage Things, I've actually got one of these. I've had my Siva Llama for a few years now and it's currently awaiting removal of the body to allow the chassis to be shot blasted. It's a van variant - would you believe - and I've got all the hardtops and doors. It's just that it wasn't very well put together when it was built and somebody cut windows into the van sides. This wouldn't have been a problem if they'd got the measurements right. On one side they cut the hole too big and riveted in a strip to fill a gap of about 2 cm. They must have got this strip out of the bit they'd just removed. I bet the language was choice. I'm not sure how I'll deal with this when respray time beckons.

Anyway, I never bothered with the doors or hardtops. It was always sunny wherever I went and the people always smiled and waved so I never felt the need. Don't judge this claim by the accompanying photos. Some of them might look overcast but they're just under exposed. If I look wet it's because I'm simply sweating a lot in my waterproofs....

The Siva Llama was designed by Neville Trickett and uses the running gear of a Hillman Imp. It has a separate steel chassis and the body panels continued the Siva in house utiliy style established with the Mini based Siva Mule. These are even rarer at 12 produced against the 50 or so Llamas they made.

Llamas were made from 1973 to 1976. There were great plans for them. Many light field cars came out at about this time expanding on the concept established by the Mini Moke, which could be made cheaply abroad but also attract the trendy Bohemian set in Knightsbridge.

In my guise as a throwback Bohemian living in Cornwall, I established contact with Neville Trickett about a year ago and he told me what killed the Llama was Chrysler's decision to end production of the Imp in 1976. They announced this in 1974 just as the car was launched, despite previous re-assurances over the Imp's future. Investors immediately withdrew their backing and Siva went out of business after producing a wide range of kit cars that epitomise what Peter Filby - doyen of alternative motoring - called The Fun Car Explosion.

Besides my own car, there are three known survivors. The first one I ever saw was in a scrapyard at Carharrack in Cornwall but it was binned before I knew what it was and could mount a rescue attempt. When another came up for sale, I leapt at the chance.

I subsequently kitted it out with a 998cc engine and entered it in the 1999 Land's End Trial. We got a Finisher's Certificate so it has a competition history but it wasn't really competitive. To make it more suitable for trialling would entail drastic alterations and because it's so rare, I don't want to do that. And that 998cc engine never breathed properly as it only had a 1 & a 1/4 inch SU carb. Apparently this is a demon tweak for trialling but it limits top speed to about 65mph, as I found out.

I also did the Testing Trial in Somerset in 1999. My bouncer let me down so I turned up with a question mark over my entry but fortunately Bee Hayes volunteered. She needed a certain amount of persuading. Her husband is a demon trails sidecarist and she had sworn never to ride with him on a trail. One look at me and my Llama and that vow went out the window. I later discovered she had once been a backing singer for Arthur Brown, as in "I am the God of Hellfire and I bring you.. Fire!" and the Crazy World thereof.

So the plan is now to take the body off and shotblast the chassis and rebuild it as something with more power. My example had not been built very carefully and I feel that it deserves some time and effort to turn it into a sow's ear.

Not too much, mind. I wouldn't swap its cheap and cheerful demeanour for something dear and dreary.

I'm not under any illusions about my Siva Llama. It'll never be a thing of beauty but it's definitely a fun car. It suits summer life in Cornwall and as I write this I realise how much I miss not being able to drive it. I'm glad it got built and mean to have more fun with it dreckly.

Neville Trickett is still designing and building interesting automobiles. An even earlier creation of his was the Minisprint and he is producing these again nowadays from his base in France.

Playlist for The Wormton Lamb

Here's the playlist for The Wormton Lamb out Spring 2009. Like the last one for The Horsepower Whisperer, here's more high octane rock'n'roll for your musical edification (good word).

And out from obscurity it comes.



During the creation of The Wormton Lamb, I discovered New Rock'n'Roll. For too long had people been saying that the new rock'n'roll was gardening. Obviously it never was and this was a very silly thing to say. I just showed that these people didn't understand what the New Rock'n'Roll was. You can't dance to gardens. And it has nothing to do with cookery either even if you are always in the kitchen at parties.

On the recommendation from a friend, I acquired a few jolly good compilations of New Rock'n'Roll and a number of tracks from these albums had a significant influence on the final shape of The Wormton Lamb.

After carefully working out the running order, I found that this playlist for The Wormton Lamb began with several 30 second samples, since these particular songs are not licensed for playing any longer on the internet. Unfortunately, this made The Wormton Lamb's playlist sound like outbursts of raw noise. Some of you who already know of my taste in music might say, "So what's new?" To avoid this knee jerk reaction, I've re-ordered the playlist. It's still not easy listening but at least the playlist begins with complete songs. The story really begins with Temptation Island from Love As Laughter and when (note not if) The Wormton Lamb gets made into a film I'm sure the music execs will agree to these songs being include din full.

Anyway, these little bursts should tempt you into getting the full version. And the more obscure tracks are full length so I hope these bands drum up some business from you.

There's quite a Gothic feel to this list as well. Well, The Wormton Lamb does feature a Frankensheep, some mysterious blood sucking agencies and a weresheep that bleats at the moon.

I suppose the book ought to carry a warning for people of a nervous disposition, those who are easily upset and any other wets and weeds that might dip into it. To these people all I would say is "It's only a story." And, "Pull yourselves together."

To those who like to be scared I would lie and say "Believe me - nothing like this could ever happen in real life."

LPG - Less Point Guys

Combustion is a funny old thing. I was talking to a mate of mine this week who has just changed his V8 3.9 litre Land Rover Discovery for the diesel variety. His old V8 had an after market LPG conversion but it was still too expensive.

Matt explained that the octane rating of LPG is 112 but the flame front is so slow he had to advance the ignition by 12-15% to get the bang in the right place. Any later and by the time the piston was going down the bore the exploding air/fuel mixture was stumbling down the bore after it when the fireball should have been forcing the piston down there.

Despite advancing the ignition, his Disco was noticeably more sluggish and returned no more than 15 mpg. It seems that LPG doesn't burn very well. Maybe a more sophisticated engine management system would improve performance and economy but it's unlikely anyone will engineer bespoke systems for what are often quite old engine designs.

Since LPG can cost up to 63p/litre and his new diesel Disco does at least 25 miles to the gallon (if we still have gallons) there wasn't much saving. And that's before taking the cost of conversion into account.

Coincidentally, another mate of mine, John, told me of his neighbours who have a Subaru Imprezza. They love this car. When they first got it they explored its full performance potential - and got 4 mpg. They have now shelled out on an LPG conversion, which makes the car much slower. That's a judgement call, though. A slow Imprezza is still fast.

The conversion has also de-valued the car for re-sale.

(Matt tells me that Discoveries like his are so cheap nowadays they are unlikely to depreciate any further.)

John and I reckon his neighbours should have kept their Scooby stock and spent the cost of conversion on a Nissan Micra or something.

Playlist for The Horsepower Whisperer

I have created a playlist for The Horsepower Whisperer on imeem, the social networking site. These are the songs that have inspired me to write The Horsepower Whisperer. I hope you enjoy this list as much as I do.

See how it emerges from the blackness!



Who could resist a track entitled Explosion on Uranus? I couldn't. But it's such a great track I didn't try very hard.

Think of this playlist as a movie soundtrack. It's all part of the multi-media Soul Trader experience.

Most tracks play full length but some are only 30 second samples due to licensing restrictions. However, I can recommend that you get the full version from itunes or on CD even. Then you can have the full length version of The Horsepower Whisperer playlist.

You can always make your own. It's incredible but not everyone has the taste as me.

I like this stuff so much I want to share it with you. I envy those of you who are about to discover this music for the first time. What a treat you'll have! Some of this stuff may be a bit obscure. Okay most of it is very obscure but I can't understand why artists like The Prisoners, The Hellacopters or The Flaming Sideburns are not world famous.

In the parallel universe of Anarchadia, they are are hugely popular and very successful. We all new there was something wrong with this universe but we can put this aspect right. So seek out their other tracks, albums and back catalogues.

Dipping diesel tanks

Back from my travels to Edinburgh, I was shooting the breeze with my neighbours. Around here tractors are a great source of pleasure. I'm not into them but a lot of my mates are. One or two could be Vintage Things.

Most of my tractor fan mates are called Andrew. You'd think this would make life more convenient but it doesn't. More on that another time.

Anyway, I'd just bumped into Andrew in town buying some "proper job" aluminium number plates for one of his Fordson Majors. He said how much he was looking forward to the forthcoming vintage shows despite the price of fuel. He was determined not to let anyone "piss on my firework."

When I came home, Andrew and Andrew were fitting a warning beacon to Andrew's souped up, hot rodded six-cylinder Major. Andrew's got one of these, too. In fact he's got three now and is well into double figures with his tractors.

I told them I'd just seen Andrew and they knew all about what he was up to because Andrew had told them. (That would have been the fourth Andrew - I hope you're following this.)

They then went on to tell me that they are expecting "the Ministry" to be lying in wait outside the vintage show grounds this summer dipping the tanks to see whether they are running their tractors on white diesel or agricultural red diesel.

As their tractors are now preserved and no longer used in agriculture, it is apparently illegal for them to use the much cheaper red stuff. "The Ministry" will be dipping tanks to make sure they are using DERV fuel - Diesel Engine Road Vehicle fuel.

The recent fuel price increases are hitting everyone but it seems a shame to target the preservation movement.

I don't see how dipping the tanks would prove anything. After a life time of agricultural use the fuel is probably a delicate rose. The red dye goes a long way. Just a little in your car or van fuel system would be grounds for a persecution, sorry prosecution, should you be caught.

There are rumours that domestic heating oil is being substituted for white diesel and that you can declare a certain amount to "the ministry" to avoid prosecution. Nobody knows anyone who has tried this, though. The word on the streets - well lanes, seeing as we're in Cornwall - is that common rail diesels are damaged by heating oil so somebody must have tried that.

There are also rumours that if you strain red diesel through slices of white bread the red dye comes out. I don't know how many loaves per gallon you need but this has the ring of truth about it.

Interest in bio-diesel is growing rapidly. I first read about this in the Citroen Car Club magazine about eight years ago. That was when folk began to notice that, having been seduced by diesel's lower fuel price and running costs, the price of their DERV fuel was creeping up beyond unleaded.

So we have the government generating lots of lovely revenue to invade foreign countries, stage Olympics and build domes by taxing fuel, "the ministry" chasing the general populace about because only an idiot would willingly pay the high fuel prices and the general populace searching for cheaper fuel alternatives.

Like LPG. Mind you, I think that's a bubble that's about to burst. Once the infrastructure is in place and enough people are using it, the government will raise the tax on that and invade Iran to make the world a safer place. And protect our oil supplies.

Meanwhile, the Andrews (none of whom would ever answer to Andy) will be turning the clock back even more this summer and showing their oldest vehicles, which typically run on paraffin. And there's nothing (at the moment) that those fun police at "the ministry" can do about it.

It seem that fireworks will indeed be kept dry. In some cases they'll be ceremonially sprayed with red diesel.